Let go or be dragged.
Wisdom, eye-openers, perspective common sense, personal growth and reconstruction after divorce.
A deeply personal film that explores the affects of divorce on children
The film features twelve children, aged 6-12, who explore the often frightening and always life-changing separation of their parents. The 30-minute video SPLIT gives us the children's perspective on divorce—no adults, no experts—just kids speaking the powerful truth of what is on their minds and in their hearts. Their wisdom, candor, and humor gives hope and courage to other children and encourages parents to make better choices as they move through divorce.
Stream or Order the film here.
Quote
“The fact is, people seldon truly speak with or listen to one another; more often than they care to admit, they deliver soliloquies, with each individual using another’s remark merely as a launching pad for his or her own performance.”
—Yi-Fu Tuan, Chinese-American Geographer
What did Yi-Fu Tuan say about place?
It was Tuan who gave rise to the recognition among geographers that the intimacies of personal encounters with space produce ‘a sense of place.’
“People think that geography is about capitals, land forms, and so on,” says Tuan, “but it is also about place, its emotional tone, social meaning, and generative potential.”
https://tinyurl.com/3kafkmfj
KÜBLER-ROSS Stages of Grief
A Swiss psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, was a pioneer in near-death studies and first introduced her five-stage grief model in her book On Death and Dying. The model was based on her work with terminally-ill patients and initially received criticism because people studying her model misconstrued that there is a specific order in which people grieve and that all people go through grief the same way.
NOT TRUE. The five stages of grief are neither linear or set in stone. It is now widely accepted that the five stages are commonly experienced by the grieving population in the aftermath of loss. Clearly they can be applied to divorce. Some people may not experience any of the stages, while others might only undergo some (but not all) stages. Sometimes the stages are repeated. Recovery from loss may never be complete, but mindfulness and understanding of the cycle can bring clarity and healing. The stages here are modified for loss associated with dissolution of marriage. Worth exploring.
Denial: "This is not happening to me. It's all a misunderstanding. It's just a midlife crisis. We can work it out."
Anger and Resentment: "How can he [she] do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? This is not fair!"
Bargaining: "If you'll stay, I'll change" OR "If I agree to do it your way, [money, childrearing, sex, whatever] can we get back together?"
Depression: "This is really happening, I can't do anything about it, and I don't think I can bear it."
Acceptance: "Okay, this is how it is. I would rather accept it and move on than wallow in the past."
Minnesota Judge: Blunt words for divorcing parents
“Your children have come into this world because of the two of you. Perhaps you two made lousy choices as to whom you decided to be the other parent. If so, that is your problem and your fault.
No matter what you think of the other party—or what your family thinks of the other party—these children are one-half of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an “idiot” his father is, or what a “fool” his mother is, or how bad the absent parent is, or what terrible things that person has done, you are implicitly telling the child that half of him is bad.
That is an unforgivable thing to do to a child. That is not love. That is possession. If you do that to your children, you will destroy them as surely as if you had cut them into pieces, because that is what you are doing to their emotions.
I sincerely hope that you do not do this to your children. Think more about your children and less about yourselves, and make yours a selfless kind of love, not foolish or selfish, or your child will suffer.”
—Judge Michael Haas
Communicating with the Judge is a definite ‘No-No’
Something that will never happen: your assigned Judge will never communicate with you outside of court. The following was written by friend and colleague David Thomas (Ret):
Parties involved in high conflict divorce/paternity matters quite often believe that if they could just talk to the judge privately, and explain how they feel, and how evil the other parent truly is, then the judge would give them what they want.
Some misguided parties have actually tried calling the judge’s office, asking to speak with the judge about their case and were surprised to find out that the judge’s assistant refused to connect them. Know this: a judge does not communicate with parties, except in a courtroom with both parties present.
Other parties have tried bending the rules in their favor by sending the judge a letter, hoping to secretly voice their version of the case without the other parent knowing. This kind of letter gets returned to the sender, unread. Or the judge will file it with the clerk of court (without reading it) and take note of the parent who attempted an improper ex parté communication. If a judge ever communicates in writing with one or both parties, it is always with a court order.
However, hypothetically, if a judge ever deemed to send a letter to the parties, >> THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN >> it might read like this fictional letter:
Dear Parents:
I am the judge assigned to your divorce/paternity case. I hope to never meet you. I assure you I will never meet your children. The only reason I have been assigned to your case is that you cannot make your own decisions OR, that one or both of you is acting inappropriately by violating the law. In these cases, I have the authority to issue orders telling each of you WHEN you are allowed to see your children and DICTATING the terms of child support, property division, etc. If my orders are not obeyed, I may hold you in contempt of court and you could be sent to jail.
I am surprised every day by parents who proclaim to love their children and insist they are only trying to do what is in "the child's best interest," but then they allow me, a total stranger, to set the rules of life for them because they are too immature, angry or stubborn to work together towards an agreement. Wouldn't you rather make these major decisions for yourself?
If you insist upon allowing me to make major life decisions for you, be assured that both parties will be disappointed, because the reality is that parents together will make much better decisions for their children then me, a total stranger.
I will not allow you to use me to punish the other parent, and I promise you, I will not be fair. By oath, I am required to follow the law, not to favor or be fair to one party over the other. Do not make the mistake of calling your children as witnesses to testify against the other parent, or telling me what a great parent you are. Do not put the children in the middle of your war.
Many parents make the mistake of insisting upon a trial so they can tell me how they “feel.” They seem to think it important that the judge understand their perspective. Believe me, I already know and understand your perspective when your obvious goal is to minimize the time your child spends with the other parent. You are emotionally in pain. Your dreams of happily-ever-after have been crushed. Your vision of the future has been altered and the need to hurt your co-parent is overwhelming your good judgment. You are hurt when the children spend time with your co-parent; you suffer anxiety and fear that the children will love them more than you. You are overlooking the fact that children need and love both their parents, and unlike the romantic love once shared by their parents, the children’s love will not fade or disappear over time. The romantic love was destroyed by incompatibility; a child’s love is not dependent upon that factor.
You claim that your motives are pure and you are only thinking about what is best for the children, but you are forgetting that I will be enforcing the child’s right to spend time with their parents—not the right of parents to spend time with their children. Your anger and pain and intense need to strike back will motivate you to try to convincing me that your co-parent is unworthy of spending as much time with the children as you. I am not here to punish a parent because of their failings as a spouse.
The litigation process that ends in a trial will leave scars on both parents and add to the hostility that already exists. You and your children will pay a heavy price if you go down this road. Be aware that a trial and final judgment is not even final. There can and will be re-hearings and costly appeals and later modifications (under certain circumstances). If you are looking for justice, fairness and finality, you will not find it in my courtroom.
I look forward to receiving a signed agreement rather than a request for trial.
Sincerely, Your Circuit Judge
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QUOTE
“Whatever you give a women, she will make it greater. If you give her sperm, she will give you a baby. If you give her a house, she will give you a home. If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. If you give her crap, be prepared to receive a ton of sh*t.”